Newt Gingrich’s Christmas Shoes

Note:  I originally posted this story of mine on my previous blog (dougputhoff.livejournal.com) in 2011.  I thought, considering the times in which we live, It bears reposting.  Feel free to replace Gingrich’s name with that of Lord Dampnut, Paul Ryan, or any other Republican.

Newt Gingrich’s Christmas Shoes (based on the song “The Christmas Shoes”)

 

One Christmas Eve New Gingrich was in a Walmart checkout line, buying the latest Ann Coulter book. In front of him stood a raggedly-clothed boy who looked no more than eight, holding a pair of women’s shoes.

When the boy reached the checkout counter, he gave the shoes to the clerk. Scanning the pricetag, she told the lad how much they cost. Quickly the boy’s face grew sad. He said to the clerk, “I don’t have enough money to buy these shoes.”

He looked at Gingrich. “Please, mister, can you give me some money to help buy these shoes?”

Gingrich answered, “I’m sorry, but that would make you dependent on outside assistance. Why don’t you get a job and earn the money to pay for the shoes?”

Instantly the boys face changed from sorrow to anger. A golden aura surrounded him. He began to grow. His tattered clothes became a robe of the whitest white with a purple sash around the waist. He grew a beard. Scars appeared on His hands and forehead. Gingrich dropped down to his knees. He knew Who was standing in front of him:

Jesus Christ.

The Savior looked sternly upon the kneeling Gingrich, then he said, “Whatever you do to the least of these, You do to Me.”

Next Jesus looked Heavenward. “Father, forgive him. He knows not what he does.”

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The Walking Dull

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This afternoon I watched the first episode of THE WALKING DEAD–or tried to.  I couldn’t get into it.  I think the main reason was because of the title characters.  They’re zombies.  Call them what you will, but they are zombies.  And most zombies have no personality.

The monsters from the classic horror movies–Frankenstein’s Monster, his bride, Dracula, the Mummy–all possessed personality.  Zombies from THE WALKING DEAD don’t.

The same hold true for the White Walkers from GAME OF THRONES.  I was hoping for some sort of showdown between Jon Snow’s and Cersei Lannister’s armies, and the winner taking on Daenerys’.  BUT NOOOOO!  They are all combining to fight the zombies…er, I mean White Walkers.

The FCC should declare a moratorium on Zombie’s and similar creatures for the next twenty years.

 

The Happiness Crisis

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People are now talking about the opioid crisis in this country.  I’m not sure that we have an opioid crisis as much as we have a happiness crisis.  Why are so many people talking large amounts of drugs, whether they be illegal drugs such as heroin, prescription drugs such as opioids, or even legal and semi-legal drugs such as alcohol, nicotine, or caffeine?

Because they want to be happy!

The U.S. government needs to impress on its citizens that they can (unless the suffer from an organic condition) be happy anytime they want to.

Of course, the big problem with this sort of stance is that the current Presidential Administration seems to specialize in exploiting people’s unhappiness.  That’s how it rose to power a year ago. Expecting this Administration to tell the American people they can choose to be happy anytime they want to is like expecting McDonald’s to stop selling Big Macs to fat people.

I knew this had to happen.

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THE NEW YORK TIMES is having a Donald Trump poetry contest.

https://kristof.blogs.nytimes.com/2017/09/15/announcing-a-trump-poetry-contest/?smid=fb-share

The rules say that poems can’t be longer than 22 lines.  Personally, I think the entries should be limited to 140 characters, like a tweet.

I won’t be entering the contest.  I don’t think I can write a poem about Lord Dampnut without violating the TIMES’ motto.  “All the news that’s fit to print.”

 

Speaking of O’s–

Crystal Palace’s epic run of humility (see previous post) reminds me of the opening line of Led Zeppelin’s song “D’yer Mak’er:

For years I thought the title to that song was “Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh.”  And I still say it makes more freaking sense than its actual title.

Anyhoo, more information about “D’yer Mak’er can be found on the Internet:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D%27yer_Mak%27er

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Crystal Palace Football Club of the English Premier Football League (we’re talking soccer here, folks) has been a model of consistency so far this season.  Alas, consistency in a negative way.

Yesterday morning (Ohio time) Palace lost its fifth game in a row to start the 2017-18 season.  Were this not enough, it has lost every game via shutout.  This is the first time that’s happened in the history of top flight English footballCrystalPalace

This wouldn’t bother me so much if Palace weren’t my favorite EPL team.

(I wonder what the English term for “Dumpster fire” is, “Dumpstre Fire?” Are there even Dumpsters in England.  Yeah, yeah, there are trash bins, but “Dumpster” is a registered trademark. More information about Dumpsters can be found on the Internet :  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumpster.)